I have hundreds of unpublished essays nearing completion and a few voices are emerging within me, leading me to wonder whether publishing under various pseudonyms makes sense. I have weighed the pros and the cons carefully, considered the possibility of backlash for controversial views, and examined how isolated voices would be synthesized if separated; however, something draws me to simply publish under one unified identity without further thought.
You see, many years ago I came out of the closet as a gay man, but despite the shamelessness within my mind, my experience of life since has been one of managing my true identity and wearing the masks others want me to wear. For decades I hid myself to blend in at work, lied to appear normal, and maintained various personas, each with their own perspectives and goals. It began as a way to navigate the complex landscape of other people’s expectations, but in time it became my life. It extends beyond my homosexuality, and I have managed my neurodivergence by dulling my opinions and suppressing my emotions, all so that others would find me palatable and engage. Frankly, I tire of this illusion, and dividing myself for survival has caused severe damage that has taken years to repair. I cannot continue to sustain such divergence indefinitely, and it has to end.
I believe we all have a multitude of inner voices and they need each other. When divided they become distorted and incoherent to a caustic degree. My scientific rigor and devotion to engineering are balanced by my care for others, and my drive for perfection is eased by my pragmatism and distrust of ideology. When brought together, these voices are the foundation of my work, but when separated, they are as useless as dry clay. Methodology without compassion can easily become misanthropy, as perfection without pragmatism can easily become overwhelm and despair. Genuine authenticity and meaningful work are impossible when I split myself apart and publish under various names, for we are one being, and my voices make me who I am.
I must be Jack Bradshaw, my words must be mine, and I must honor my whole self. If there is a view too controversial to be shared or a topic too inappropriate to be discussed, then perhaps a worthy challenge has been found, but splitting myself into many is not the answer to the bind. Different publications could help reach different audiences, but it must be one artist on multiple stages, not one pretending to be many. I have decided to put aside the agony of overthought and to simply allow myself to have this gift. I am one being, and that is what others will see, without exception, without shame, and without fear.