One Or Many
Revision 2
I have several unpublished essays nearing completion and a few voices are emerging within me, leading me to wonder whether publishing under various pseudonyms makes sense. I am weighing the pros and the cons carefully, considering the possibility of backlash for controversial views, and examining how isolated voices would be synthesised if separated; however, something draws me to simply publish under one unified identity without further thought. You see, many years ago I came out of the closet as a gay man, but even since then my experience of life since then has been one of managing my true identity and wearing the masks others need me to wear. For decades I’ve hidden myself to blend in at work, lied to appear normal, and maintained various personas, each with their own perspectives and goals, all to simply navigate the complex landscape of other people’s expectations. Beyond homosexuality, I have maanged my neurodivergence by dulling my opinions and suppressing my emotions, all so that others would find me acceptable. Frankly, I tire of it, and dividing myself for survival has caused severe damage that has taken years to repair. I cannot continue to sustain and repair such damage indefinitely, and it has to end.
I believe our inner voices need each other to survive, and when divided they become distorted and incoherent. My scientific rigour and devotion to engineering are balanced by my emotional depth, and my drive for perfection is eased by my understanding of pragmatism and distrust of ideology. When brought together these voices are the foundation of my work, but when separated they are as useless as dry paint. Without my care for humanity, my devotion to methodology can easily become misanthropy, and without grounding in pragmatism, my care for others can easily become overwhelm and despair. Genuine authenticity cannot happen if my publish under various names, for I am one cohesive individual and my voices make me who I am.
I am Jack Bradshaw, my words are mine, and I will honour my whole self. If there is a view too controversial to be published or a perspective too shameful to be shared, then a worthy challenge has been found, but splitting myself into many is not the answer to the bind. I have decided not to overthink this, not to agonise and over-analyse, and to simply allow myself to have this gift. I am one being, and that is what others will see, without exception, without shame, and without fear.
Revision 1
I have several unpublished essays nearing completion and a few voices are emerging within me, leading me to wonder whether publishing under various pseudonyms makes sense. I am weighing the pros and the cons carefully, considering the possibility of backlash for controversial views and examining how isolated voices would be synthesised if separated, but something draws me to simply publish under one unified identity without further thought. You see, many years ago (in 2009) I came out of the closet as a gay man, and my experience of life since has been one of reclaiming my true identity from the masks others needed to see. I maintained various personas for decades, each with their own perspectives and goals, all to simply navigate the complex landscape of other peoples expectations, and frankly, I tire of it. Dividing myself and stifling my voices for survival has caused damage no one should have to bear, and it has to end. I believe our inner voices need each other to survive, and when divided they become distorted and incoherent. My scientific rigour and devotion to engineering are balanced by my emotional depth, and my drive for perfection is eased by my love of pragmatism and general distrust of ideology. When brought together these voices are the foundation of my work, and when separated they are as useless as dry paint. Without my care for humanity my devotion to methodology can easily become misanthropy, and without grounding in pragmatism my care for others can easily become overwhelm and despair. To be genuine and authentic I cannot publish under various names, for I am one cohesive individual and my voices make me who I am. I am Jack Bradshaw, my words are mine, and I will honour my whole self. If there is a view too controversial to be published or a perspective too shameful to be shared, then a worthy challenge has been found, but splitting myself into many is not the answer to the bind. Instead perhaps different publications are ideal for speaking to different audiences, but it must be one artist on multiple stages. I have decided not to overthink this, not to agonise and over-analyse, and to simply allow myself to have it. I am one being, and that is what others will see, without exception, without shame, and without fear.
Capture
I have written a lot of unpublished material now and a few distinct voices have emerged, and I have to consider whether publishing under various pseudonyms makes sense. I am weighing the pros and the cons carefully, considering the possibility of backlash for controversial views and the desire for reader satisfaction, yet something draws me to simply publish under one unified identity. You see, it’s been many years since I first came out of the closet as a gay man (July 11 2009) and my experience of life since then has been one of balancing integration and disintegration. I have maintained various personas, perspectives, and identities just to navigate the complex landscape of sex and gender. I tire of it, and have found so much joy in being one unified whole. I contain many voices yes, but we are one. I am one. Life is too short to manage other peoples expectations and split myself into multiple people just to avoid offence or gain readership, so no, I will not publish under various names. I am Jack Bradshaw, and my words are mine. If there is a view too controversial to be published or a perspective too shameful to be shared, then a worthy challenge has been found but splitting myself is not the answer. I have decided not to overthink this, not to agonise and analyse, and simply do what feels right. I will publish as one being.
imported from refine